There comes a time in everyones life when loneliness is the only thing you learn to feel, the smart people say that it’s easy to get through. Sometimes things go over your head and it is hard to actually acknowledge the difference between good and bad, thats when the anger and stress start to form… you try and try and do and do, but fact remains there is a fear and a longing for something brighter, it seems quite unattainable at times but the truth remains, get over it or die trying. I have been going through what people would call a dry spell in all aspects of my life (no this is not a pity party). I let it happen, why? well I dropped the ball and expected things to be easy. we all forget who we are, or do we, well I am speaking about myself. for the last year I have been living off friends family and then some. I lost it, I faded into the shadows and almost forgot myself… hell even my music has changed. Change is the worst thing anyone can accept, the dynamic we live through is all about routine and stability and that is what makes success I guess, that and hard work and always pushing for more. I ask myself every day, why does my name mean success when in all honesty I haven’t reached the lowest of my potential. I look to the past and only see a vague image of what used to be a man. Do I feel trapped…? well thats the crazy part, I feel trapped in my emotions and social stature but financially I could be described as a debt ridden failure. I literally am the opposite of my own name. Now how do you live up to a status you did not choose? It’s rather silly and juvenile, waiting is literally half way to giving up. I sometimes try to blame my bipolar, the meds, the people I know. That’s not fair to be honest, as they are living their lives and I am looking through a window, seeing the droplets of a storm passed. It seems silly and that is all real.
So, I have been unemployed for almost a year now, rarely getting small positions and earning a pittance. For the first time in a long time I am a dependant again. I will give credit where credit is due, I have the best friends ever. I am not stupid, I know I am a burden on their lives and the worst part of it is the fact that I have too much pride to accept hand me outs, I don’t think anyone likes those, except the lazy and far gone. I decided this year that I would finish a degree I started when I was 20 years old -seems like a distant memory- I have never felt so determined in my life, I don’t know who I want to prove wrong, or if I want to prove to myself, I almost feel far gone. I am the master of fucking up relationships and it seems to be a natural skill for me. In the last two years I have lost almost everything I held dear. Now I have a seriously large family, seriously one might think we are trying to start our own damn nation there are so many of us. I’ve had a pretty good life, and a bad life too, how to quantify the ration between good and bad escapes me. I went to the best schools had a trust fund, am a so called talented musician and apparently good at giving life advice… now that’s where things get blurry. I have fixed other peoples lives but struggle to even stabilise my own life. I don’t want to blame it on fear as that should be a driving point for most people, well I’d like to think so. Have you ever been in a situation whereby you had to brave the storm, break the wall and face the facts of life and the challenges that you think you could never overcome? I remember doing my first bungee jump… apart from my many flaws which include fear of bugs, fear of change, fear of heartache, fear of the unknown, fear of stagnation, and the best one yet, fear of heights. I jumped the highest bridge in the Southern Hemisphere… hell I think it may be the highest in the world. My legs were shaking my heart was racing (also suffer from anxiety, panic attacks and insomnia), I got to the edge and the count down began, I looked down and realised my own mortality and the beauty of embracing the stress and pressure you create in your own mind. That said, I’m sure many people would ask the question, Why is it you can’t apply it to something as simple as career, life, relationships and social “acceptance”, the answer is pretty clear. I have been popular my who life and have been a dick for most of my high school life… I didn’t mean to be that person but I just was, I can’t blame anyone other than myself (first time I actually realised that it was too late).
I had crossed the threshold and created a comfortable reality whereby I can blame the world and not have to take responsibility. I am still in that phase and I am well aware of this. There are many sides to everyones personality, and one of my personality traits is RAGE! I am actually one meds for that… and damn straight I need them. Just the other day I was at a friends house when a mutual friend invited one of the people I hate to my place… to say the least I was livid, the tension could have been cut with a knife… I was about to go nuclear, I held back the beast and felt amazing, i controlled my rage and overcame a sensation I could only describe as an outer body experience. This was something everyone noticed and had to help me through with. I felt at peace, I was able to forgive. I don’t really know why I am so bad with continuity when it comes to my writing but fact remains, I had serious fear of my own thoughts and possible actions. That was a small bit of growth that I have learnt to accept, forgiveness. I am less than perfect, my mind is constantly in this crazy place whereby I feel like I’m superior to others. One thing you learn when you have lost everything is modesty. I am in the process of possibly losing my car, above all else. I had a drug problem not sure if i mentioned it in previous articles but fact remains, substance abuse is the easiest way to cope with life, it’s such a ridiculous copout, your mind rushes and you can justify all your actions. I’m an idiot and won’t deny it. I live in the shadows of my family members and I hate been compared to anyone else. It’s silly in my opinion, how can you not set a bench mark. Oh, I am a competitive person by nature to the point where my friends really get annoyed when doing anything that involves victory and defeat. I am a sore loser and a sore winner… I hate it because it can drive people away. As I am writing this I am in the worst position in my life.
Bravery; I barely understand the word, I do dumb shit and for some reason it sometimes works out for me. soon that luck will run out and I will be alone and living in my moms house… I say fuck that and balls to that. Tonight I had a discussing with my best friend and realised how far gone I have actually gone. In my opinion i feel like everyone sees this amazing spark from me except, well, me.
How do you quantify braver? I have no idea! I am on a newly found introspective level of my life. I am aiming for more than bravery, I don’t want to be the best, I want to do my best and unleash my full potential, I have only ever achieved less than half of what I feel is my power (superhero style). I don’t like hand me outs, that shit can go straight to hell, earn your way its what I’ve been taught, where did I go wrong. I have so many ideas and yes I am a dreamer, but now is the time to stop dreaming and living in reality. I wonder if others have gone through this as it feels like a lonely road whereby you are blind and only have the sun to guide you (pointless).
Writing this has actually put some shit into perspective, I am wasting away and have forgotten who the real me is. Shit has happened in my life, stop blaming life and get on with it, I don’t want to be left behind when I know I am a fucken winner, I will be damned to stop being competitive, if i forget that part I will forever be stagnant. So where to from here, well I would like to say greatness, but that all depends on me and my actions instead of words. Sometimes writing actually is a healing process. I guess this is why I started The Rant, anyone can comment and say what they want. I don’t expect people to comment everyone has their own problems. My problem is me and all I can say is, it’s not time to fix my life, it’s time to start living. Don’t let the Beast in you take over “ Fortune favours the brave” -The good die young but the brave will change the course of History-
I AM THE BEAST and the BRAVE!
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