This is pretty dark this is about the time I tried to kill myself. Wait it was 5 attempts, as you can
see I’m not very good at it but it was an experience of seeing your dark side and embracing it...
it seems to easy and rational people tend to ignore the fact that it’s not giving up that taking
place. It’s a flurry of emotions that overwhelm you to the point that the world is an empty
hollow place made for the crazy people trust me, everyone who attempt suicide thinks long
and hard about this shit... hahaha actually not really, it because a game of attrition between
your body, mind and heart and the worst part is making the choice of which one you are
gonna follow. Everyone goes through different experiences which are rationally irrational, it all
makes sense as you take the pills or the blade or what ever you decide to do. That’s the worst
past because it's such a thought process it’s silly. There are only 3 outcomes and all of them
suck, I went through the mild coma phase that leads to a hangover that only varsity students
can understand, but multiply that by depression or ridiculous mania, you don’t choose which
one you get but seriously both suck, mania terms you into Rambo, self-destructive and no
concern for others and you don’t even notice it. Trust me that’s the quickest way to check
which friends are at your side. At that point generally the judgment come along, “how could
you be so selfish”, “you’re so weak I can’t deal with your drama”, they empty out faster than
students with a bottle of tequila. Worst part about that is that all your support has abandoned
you except a select few. The second effect is the vomiting and losing functionality of basic tasks,
seeing, speech, all the basic shit that comes with being a grown up turns into effort and things
you have to re-teach yourself overtime. The third and scariest one is the fear... yes it doesn’t
just happen and you go batshit insane and go into kill mode... Crysis3 style. The fear is ‘what
if I become a vegetable’ , how can you survive without basic functionality, this may sound like
step 2 but it’s not, imagine someone having someone helping you shit... oh and number 2 also
comes with the worst perk seizers, blackouts and memory loss. These happen randomly, you
have to be monitored till you are clinically diagnosed as stable.
I was in a psych ward for over 31 days... its 31 one days of hell, you are a zombie as they try
to figure out what meds work to keep you in check... trust me it’s a trial and error process
that leaves you drained all the time... you go through group therapy you see a psychologist a
psychiatrist, basically anyone who fixes brains for a living: I was blessed to have the 2 hottest
Occupational Therapists ever, hmmm maybe that’s what gave me a boost for life, knowing
beauty is something external, but the real beauty is the one you find in yourself (cheesy I
know). But seriously if you saw her guys you would break up with your chick and try your luck,
I believe she could create lesbians with a smile... maybe a bit over the top but damn she was a
I think I have strayed off the topic again. What eventually saved my life and a lot of people
I know is the writing of the suicide note. Everyone thinks that it’s basically your last will and
testament... Like hell it is, some people go through with it don’t get me wrong, the body is a
resilient bastard though more you try to punish it the more it tries to heal itself, even mentally.
The suicide note is the bravest thing I can imagine a person can write. A life cannot be returned,
imagine the pain that person was going through to take that away. I don’t condone and glorify
it in anyway. Life is scary, it’s a challenge, and it’s a mystery which you openly and brutally
attack. School, adolescence, adulthood, work, family, stress, pressure. It’s easy to say that
but to someone Bipolar suffering with depression or psychosis everyday is like arm wrestling
the Rock while calling him a skinny bitch. So let’s get back to the suicide note... So many of
my friends including myself have been saved by those good byes and sob stories and random
ranting about how difficult everything is actually have been materialized and given for, its
like a damn light flicks in you. You read your own thoughts which is the darkest thing I have
ever done read my own journal. I didn’t see the selfishness of my actions, I just wanted to do
the unthinkable but I also saw the words my heart and mind said to everyone I loved. It was
amazing to actually get to know yourself and your own capabilities. These disorders suck but
they can be beaten, you know it’s there you know it will happen but you can never preempt it,
you gotta ride that damn wave and hope there are no sharks in the water.
Not all of us are that lucky and usually the ones who go through with it don’t even write a note
they have made their minds that “today is the end”. I ran into some other people who were
jamming in a band my previous band opened for... the vocalist said out loud, he will not be
missed by anyone but his parents and the crowd cheered on. I was young then and I was on the
soft-core meds, basically the ones that just make you feel empty but not enough to allow you to
give you that kick goodbye. After my friend passed away I felt a lot of Rage and started blaming
myself how I could not have seen this coming. As I said earlier life is a challenge but there is no
cowardness in crying and fighting a pain that tears at your soul... How hard can that be, I have
attempted suicide and the worst thing about it is the thoughts, the pain of hurting your family
and friends, there is so much going on it overwhelms you even more, you may have a damaged
heart but that is the nail in the coffin, there is so much disappointment that people never
understand and think its weakness. I am gonna say it again I am not romanticizing suicide; I
sympathize with those who have tried and failed those who have succeeded, the families that
lost someone unique. There is only one of you (unless you are twins, then you got like a back
up kidney). The true cowards are those who forget and didn’t even realize the underlying pain,
yes the fake smile is there but if you know your friends and I must say it wasn’t religion, faith
and spirituality that saved my life, all those many attempt those many years ago, I was saved
by those who saw right through my bullshit fake smile and worked to make me, me again, a
cynical bastard with a love for whiskey and Playstation (I will say it again Xbox is silly). Don’t
ever see those people as cowards, the pain got the best of them... know your friends support
your friends, one day when your parents and family die... they may be all you have, that shit is
sacred. The cowards are those who disrespect their dead comrades, mourn, remember and let
that make you stronger. Visit the grave site, sounds stupid but talking to even a grave stone is
better than therapy because you know that guy would pull a smart ass joke.
Moral of the Story.
Focus, listen, help and alcohol does not solve everything. Body language and simple statements
can mean a lot. Remind them of their worth to your life. I was saved by music and my vocalist
and dare I say it a hateful bastard who was brutally honest. Approach with caution.
Jagermeister
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