The Silver Spoon Dilemma

Well this is my first post... probably gonna suck but so what.
As the title states, we live in a society of comfort and effort, its kind of a grey area whereby hard work reaps reward and passion becomes a thin vague stop in the ocean of ones complaints. I have a lot to be thankful for, my mother basically raised me, but i fell into that trap of... well fucked-up-dom.
I have always had my own set of morals and ethos, a deep down belief in certain things I struggled to believe in... one of those things is love and all the mysteries it holds. I wont lie the drug scene was a huge influence in my life... basically a buffer for all the depression (bipolar) -All Names Will Be Omitted so I don't have to pay anyone- I have lived a life of excess without having to spend a coin, I have always tried to succeed, hell my name means success, but back at the ranch I have only been able to find an excuse to hide stress and pain behind a smile -cop out- but its true, a few years ago I fell in love, a word I don't use lightly but somehow managed to mutter and open myself up, its was a painful, I was an open book to someone I promised I would follow around the world, I saved every last coin secretly to make that moment even more special, all for it to get taken away from me from someone better more successful and well rich. I'm on the border of 28 and have failed myself epically, the only thing I seem to be good at is playing guitar, behind an exterior soft and understanding and easy to advise others, I seem to make the dumb choices made by teenagers and varsity student. Well I see it now and I realise that I should have kicked myself in the ass the moment I unloaded my feelings to someone who would later destroy me and change my trust forever. That is partially my fault but then again it was someone I held dear in my life and called a true friend but as the saying goes... Fuck those who betray you. on the other hand I still had a belief in something i never believed in; Hope. Now I am a musician and we have a flair for the dramatic listen to any song from metal to pop its all selfish and borderline crazy. Kinda makes me feel normal. I keep a Journal, it keeps me sane and lets me bitch and moan... but thanks to the internet i can create a flame war where some 16 year old will probably tell me to man up. trust me maning up is harder than you think  once you lose your belief structure... yes structure. Back to the drug thing I was tripping Acid for the first time with friends completely awesome and amazing feeling... no doubt I will do it again, it just so happened in a controlled environment. That's when I realised all the dumb shit I have done and how much of my life I have wasted, not I am a good guitarist I've been told and to be honest I cant take compliments very well it doesn't gell with my stupid none paying and under achieving lifestyle but seriously I hide behind the music its the only thing that makes sense. Slowly I have seen the best of the best musicians fall apart and get lousy jobs but they can pay the bills, today I am selling my dream guitar just to make payments on my car. I must admit I am a spoilt brat, but somehow down to earth, I wouldn't have it any other way. But the silver spoon has hit me, I have been raised in a family where everyone helps everyone, but i kinda got the best of it... its not fair to actually say I have worked a career driven job succefully in my life but I have noticed that some people have had the same situations and made a killing out of it. when does the silver spoon end and the real life begins. I wouldn't be able to answer that question without calling bullshit on everythin I believe in. I seriously hate the rich and those who can control situations in negative ways. I've been on both sides of the fence where I have met the down to earth and the leeches and I'm sure most people think I am a leech, but to be honest I would take a bullet for those I love... but that love thing has become  a blurred line between trusting people and hating the shit out of friends I'd rather see in a noose (kinda Dark and Macbre) but to hell with them. To be honest I'm not quite sure what I am bitching about, is it the lack of achievements in my life that have destroyed everything I have built up or just hating myself. its weird I shouldn't feel so bad for the silver spoon kids, they deserve every aspect of their fruitful life... I think I'm just a jealous cunt who has had it all and lost it all on a constant binge and people to the point that i am at the bottom of the food chain. one thing that has happened though is my new found humble behaviour to my true friends I have lost a lot maybe everything, from my parents trust my faith and my utter assholeness that came with the territory that has made me who i am. I learnt something about myself through ranting and being a constant man bitch... I live to destroy, I am a Rage-Beast but only a few have seen that part of me... its not pretty but i can blame bipolar forever, one must take responsibility for their lives, and other betraying bastards must honestly burn and take with them all the hate I can possibly muster, actually that's not fair... I lost the battle but there is still a war to be fought and i should face it head on I need to open up and stop thinking the silver spoon some people have is taken from merit of those who worked had before them, I just missed the rat race because I want more... more than money more than glory, more than recognition... i want a world where i can make a difference, but there I go again is it just an empty promise like the many I have had.. or is it just a new dilemma, an excuse to not take risks, here is to the silver spoons and here is to the ones who came short in life... make it happen for yourself, cut the bullshit people from your life and try find your happiness. I found it in someone else and no one can make you happy other than yourself. The Silver Spoon is there for all to take, don't bullshit yourself, parents, family, everyone has felt shit in there lives but have been able to create! I want that spoon not for myself but for the little bastards I will one day have to pass on my ethos, ethics, morals and a life filled with love and the understanding that dad was a fuck up, doesn't mean he gave up. I will take that silver spoon and the problems it gives and hopefully create someone who better than me and better looking, or teach them how to play sports, lets not lie there is a lot of cash in that, read a book but better yet, be something that matters to someone else... that someone else is you, your personalities and the things that drive you. here is to all that feel they have failed,

We are all part of The Silver Spoon Dilemma, we want and we need but sometimes we cant tell the difference. learn more about yourself and make your passions worth while and if they can make you money better yet but if they make you smile and wake up to wonder and spiritual growth, then take that fucker by the horns and ride the wave.

Attack-Kat

Enjoy