21 years… A country old enough to drink!

So I was born in an era whereby segregation was a norm, i can’t quite remember the negativity yet I live through the past transgressions of our beautiful country. I can’t classify myself as a born free as I am well past the age of being the kids of today. I emphasise the fact that they are kids and how are they acting. I always had this idea that I am not quite that smart to get my voice heard but instead I chose a party that will best represent my opinion and views. It makes sense considering that your vote is your voice. when will it stop or change though. 21 years and still bickering about the past. Whose to blame our president or our own bad decisions… frankly I blame those silly  kids who chose not to vote and still find themselves complaining, dude you are under 21 what do you know about what your parents went through, my mother worked her ass off with white people, the enemy at that point. 

Now my life has not been a walk in the park but i have never complained about it, shit has happened but where do you go when you are the only guy with white friends and a sense of equality without even knowing about the sick things that have happened. Corruption and deceit and all that drama that comes with being a voiceless activist. I recently got into watching the parliament channel and my eyes have been opened up. So much red tape and different ideologies are being thrown around and yet we sit on the sideline and complain; is the president the enemy, are the parties chaotic? We are a nation governed by a state that makes decisions without public debate and opinion. I have not paid my E-toll and don’t intend to, does that make me a criminal, does that make me an activist, well frankly I feel like a terrorist driven to rebel against an idea that is not mine. Don’t get me wrong if this was a fair and just way to implement a system I would probably be all for it, but I am not. I won’t mention who i voted for because just like religious conversation, this can only get nasty. My main concern are the so called “born Frees”, never have I ever heard so much bullshit in my life… kids complaining about a war they did not have the knowledge or understanding of what our parents went through. these kids are claiming to be freedom fighters but all they are, are a bane to our families and politicians who made a difference.

I can’t sit back and let this continue but it is well beyond my control. Our country is legal enough to drink in all countries,thats pretty sweet if you ask me but what type of message is been sent to the youth. What difference are they willing to make to counter the negative aspect and corruption within our higher ranks. I lost faith in our president and it saddens me, how can you be a leader and have so many people against you. I’ve read a speech before and made it my own and even added details as they came to my head,,, then we have a tyrant who reads every speech and document typed out for him. Am I gonna judge, yes! I have recently decided to make a huge choice to try leave the country and create a life where i feel safe and represented fairly, I don’t mind it being strict but sometimes that is necessary to create peace. I am honestly sure it is easier to get drugs here than to get cigarettes, all our crime statistics seem like a joke. who makes up these numbers and who regulates the changes to make us safer, hell even our sports stars are jailed for crimes that could have been easily avoided. 

Life is a pandoras box and we have to learn to live with it. Who will stand by us and sacrifice their belief structure and sense of justice to make us feel safe? 21 years and still we are dwelling in the past like we are living some type of sick nostalgic dream, I am not a religious person but I would pray to whatever higher power to grant us a system where we could move forward and lose these kids who have no right to complain about a life they never had to live. Racism is always gonna be there but who will teach these kids to be freedom fighters for a growing country instead of a complacent negative species. 

My memories of varsity were of those who stood by and rallied other students, not for the sake of change but conflict. News articles and media showed angry youth being angry at a time they weren't even born, I love my country but I hate the mentality!Maybe I am a cynical bastard but at the end of the day we can’t be collateral damage to those we hold as our leaders. I hope to see a South Africa where the news reads headlines that inspire growth, education and health for all, maybe its just a pipe dream, but dream I will, because what else can we do but hope,vote and be heard. I despise those who choose to not vote and yet complain about the state of the nation, we are the masters of our own destiny and we need to take control before we lose it all and bitch about it till we immigrate. 

This is my home, this is my nation, this is my pride, I believe we have the best national anthem in the world and I will hold my heart and stand every time I hear it, I wish most people would do the same… learn the fucken lyrics this is your home, our country is old enough to drink, so are you… but make the right decisions before you destroy yourself, your ideals and penultimately your morals. Proudly South African, i will always vote, its my voice!

The Beast and The Brave

There comes a time in everyones life when loneliness is the only thing you learn to feel, the smart people say that it’s easy to get through. Sometimes things go over your head and it is hard to actually acknowledge the difference between good and bad, thats when the anger and stress start to form… you try and try and do and do, but fact remains there is a fear and a longing for something brighter, it seems quite unattainable at times but the truth remains, get over it or die trying. I have been going through what people would call a dry spell in all aspects of my life (no this is not a pity party). I let it happen, why? well I dropped the ball and expected things to be easy. we all forget who we are, or do we, well I am speaking about myself. for the last year I have been living off friends family and then some. I lost it, I faded into the shadows and almost forgot myself… hell even my music has changed. Change is the worst thing anyone can accept, the dynamic we live through is all about routine and stability and that is what makes success I guess, that and hard work and always pushing for more. I ask myself every day, why does my name mean success when in all honesty I haven’t reached the lowest of my potential. I look to the past and only see a vague image of what used to be a man. Do I feel trapped…? well thats the crazy part, I feel trapped in my emotions and social stature but financially I could be described as a debt ridden failure. I literally am the opposite of my own name. Now how do you live up to a status you did not choose? It’s rather silly and juvenile, waiting is literally half way to giving up. I sometimes try to blame my bipolar, the meds, the people I know. That’s not fair to be honest, as they are living their lives and I am looking through a window, seeing the droplets of a storm passed. It seems silly and that is all real.

So, I have been unemployed for almost a year now, rarely getting small positions and earning a pittance. For the first time in a long time I am a dependant again. I will give credit where credit is due, I have the best friends ever. I am not stupid, I know I am a burden on their lives and the worst part of it is the fact that I have too much pride to accept hand me outs, I don’t think anyone likes those, except the lazy and far gone. I decided this year that I would finish a degree I started when I was 20 years old -seems like a distant memory- I have never felt so determined in my life, I don’t know who I want to prove wrong, or if I want to prove to myself, I almost feel far gone. I am the master of fucking up relationships and it seems to be a natural skill for me. In the last two years I have lost almost everything I held dear. Now I have a seriously large family, seriously one might think we are trying to start our own damn nation there are so many of us. I’ve had a pretty good life, and a bad life too, how to quantify the ration between good and bad escapes me. I went to the best schools had a trust fund, am a so called talented musician and apparently good at giving life advice… now that’s where things get blurry. I have fixed other peoples lives but struggle to even stabilise my own life. I don’t want to blame it on fear as that should be a driving point for most people, well I’d like to think so. Have you ever been in a situation whereby you had to brave the storm, break the wall and face the facts of life and the challenges that you think you could never overcome? I remember doing my first bungee jump… apart from my many flaws which include fear of bugs, fear of change, fear of heartache, fear of the unknown, fear of stagnation, and the best one yet, fear of heights. I jumped the highest bridge in the Southern Hemisphere… hell I think it may be the highest in the world. My legs were shaking my heart was racing (also suffer from anxiety, panic attacks and insomnia), I got to the edge and the count down began, I looked down and realised my own mortality and the beauty of embracing the stress and pressure you create in your own mind. That said, I’m sure many people would ask the question, Why is it you can’t apply it to something as simple as career, life, relationships and social “acceptance”, the answer is pretty clear. I have been popular my who life and have been a dick for most of my high school life… I didn’t mean to be that person but I just was, I can’t blame anyone other than myself (first time I actually realised that it was too late).

I had crossed the threshold and created a comfortable reality whereby I can blame the world and not have to take responsibility. I am still in that phase and I am well aware of this. There are many sides to everyones personality, and one of my personality traits is RAGE! I am actually one meds for that… and damn straight I need them. Just the other day I was at a friends house when a mutual friend invited one of the people I hate to my place… to say the least I was livid, the tension could have been cut with a knife… I was about to go nuclear, I held back the beast and felt amazing, i controlled my rage and overcame a sensation I could only describe as an outer body experience. This was something everyone noticed and had to help me through with. I felt at peace, I was able to forgive. I don’t really know why I am so bad with continuity when it comes to my writing but fact remains, I had serious fear of my own thoughts and possible actions. That was a small bit of growth that I have learnt to accept, forgiveness. I am less than perfect, my mind is constantly in this crazy place whereby I feel like I’m superior to others. One thing you learn when you have lost everything is modesty. I am in the process of possibly losing my car, above all else. I had a drug problem not sure if i mentioned it in previous articles but fact remains, substance abuse is the easiest way to cope with life, it’s such a ridiculous copout, your mind rushes and you can justify all your actions. I’m an idiot and won’t deny it. I live in the shadows of my family members and I hate been compared to anyone else. It’s silly in my opinion, how can you not set a bench mark. Oh, I am a competitive person by nature to the point where my friends really get annoyed when doing anything that involves victory and defeat. I am a sore loser and a sore winner… I hate it because it can drive people away. As I am writing this I am in the worst position in my life.

Bravery; I barely understand the word, I do dumb shit and for some reason it sometimes works out for me. soon that luck will run out and I will be alone and living in my moms house… I say fuck that and balls to that. Tonight I had a discussing with my best friend and realised how far gone I have actually gone. In my opinion i feel like everyone sees this amazing spark from me except, well, me.

How do you quantify braver? I have no idea! I am on a newly found introspective level of my life. I am aiming for more than bravery, I don’t want to be the best, I want to do my best and unleash my full potential, I have only ever achieved less than half of what I feel is my power (superhero style). I don’t like hand me outs, that shit can go straight to hell, earn your way its what I’ve been taught, where did I go wrong. I have so many ideas and yes I am a dreamer, but now is the time to stop dreaming and living in reality. I wonder if others have gone through this as it feels like a lonely road whereby you are blind and only have the sun to guide you (pointless). 

Writing this has actually put some shit into perspective, I am wasting away and have forgotten who the real me is. Shit has happened in my life, stop blaming life and get on with it, I don’t want to be left behind when I know I am a fucken winner, I will be damned to stop being competitive, if i forget that part I will forever be stagnant. So where to from here, well I would like to say greatness, but that all depends on me and my actions instead of words. Sometimes writing actually is a healing process. I guess this is why I started The Rant, anyone can comment and say what they want. I don’t expect people to comment everyone has their own problems. My problem is me and all I can say is, it’s not time to fix my life, it’s time to start living. Don’t let the Beast in you take over “ Fortune favours the brave” -The good die young but the brave will change the course of History- 

I AM THE BEAST and the BRAVE!

The Third Party Protocol

I realised my previous post was an epic read that not too many people would give the time of day to. I am an avid follower of the Thinkers Community and I feel anyone should be able to voice their opinion in any way possible. To be fair I don’t reference any famous and well know authors as these are my own thoughts and views. Now that I got that out of the way lets get this Rant going.
I had a serious realisation the other night, I don’t know if it was an epiphany, then again I don’t think I’m that arogant as to say it was that deep. Now I am a single guy proudly screwed over by the woman I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with and a good friend kinda stabbed me in the front and the bastard has not had the balls to even face me or talk to me… then again I don’t really justify violence in any form or shape, unless its on playstation (Xbox folk, your console sucks. There I go again Ranting. Not a bad job for a small intro.
Well here it is, ever notice how life is filled with bitching, and it usually the ones who claim to love each other, in the last 4 years of my life I have found myself being a mediatior in what I can only describe as random bable and screaming matches… I’d like to think of myself as a nice guy (I used to be quite a dick) it took a lot of change and understanding of ones self to tame myself from being used as a tool for other peoples issues. Where does friendship end and babysitting kick in. I have always prefered to handle my own issues and leave out all the rest, who are they to understand the finer details of your life your hope, dreams and drive. That’s the thing life is a selfish and corrupt way of living, we are built to destroy when last did you receive a phone call from a friend who has drama in their lives and they demand all the attention that one person can muster, we do it because we care we do it because its our way to nurture, and yes Mr I am Hardcore, you cry in secret, we all try to hide those inner demons and the fact that our lives are a contradiction of how we really are. I cry and I know every tear has meaning behind it. Loss, trauma, bipolar and all the other shit that comes with being human. Now for the third party, that’s you, the listener the calm person the healer, the one to say shut up and still not be heard. I realised a while ago that that person was me. I wasn’t just a third wheel I was an indirect part of the relationship to the point that my phone number seems to be on speed dial for the sake of their of their convienience, and I fall for it hook line and sinker… is it nature or nurture or the faith that you can help other people because somewhere deep down inside you think they will do the same for you. I call bullshit on those situations because when your life turns into a third wheel that’s all you will ever become your life becomes centred around people who will take advantage, just your basic presence seems to make them feel better. Ever notice how scarce friends are when shit happens. You search for help from everyone and they all they have their own agendas. Maybe I am a sucker for punishment but I hate to see hurt in anyone. Life is an adventure a pretty shitty one at best, the tables turn the people change, your friends grow they marry they move forward. Don’t get me wrong everyone changes even your dumbass self who doesn’t feel good enough but is able to make others better. I guess that’s why most artists die young or by their own accord, how much of yourself can you give before you realise that your passions have turned into your curses. That’s the odd part its so deep in you will drop everything just that feeling of acceptance. I find that to be my greatest weakness, I can fake a smile better than  Jean Claude Van-Dammes acting and personally I don’t mind… but will I always feel like this third party for my whole life when will I take control and get the strength to pull a middle finger and say… “This is my time and I cant make you guys smile forever” I bet those friends who actually will follow this blog will actually realise they have a punching back they indirectly hurt but they are the ones who will take the bullet for you. How many times have you said thanks you have saved me from myself and her.
I just don’t get the fact that people fight their fights while they are both in a rage how does that solve anything. My little brain has always wanted to vent and calm down and wait until we are both rational, anger just breeds anger. This world is made up of the Third Party Protocol, at the end of the day someone is gonna try to be the hero regardless of wheather they are hurting themselves and actually making themselves a part of something that does not involve them. I wont lie, I tend to lose that strength and just cave in. I get along with everyone, I used to be in a band I was surrounded by people but all I learnt was how to fake a smile and live vicariously through other peoples lives… I ended up not knowing where my life began and theirs moved forward. I was a referee in a life that is so short that I waste it one caring for friends. Should I expect payment, no I thrive on this, I complain about it but I don’t know how to stop it… When I help someone and make a differnece in someone elses life without a selfish thought in my mind, I feel a sensation I can only describe as power, control, happiness and a sense of calm. Dammit if you saved a life its not that you feel like a hero, you feel concern, its even harder if its someone you didn’t know. I’m sure you basically put 2 and 2 together and realised I saved a life, I wont be that asshole who says I did it on my own but I realsied at that point its not that I am a 3rd wheel. Life is so short trust me I’ve tried to end it more than 5 times and when I think back to those grey days you learn one thing about yourself and the other people you meet in the psych ward, we all needed help, even that fake smile makes all the difference to someone else, there we go again that smile is the third party you chose to use. I honestly go to the point where I thought I was manipulating people, everyone was a zombie or in a constant state of lifelessness, we were alive but we were looking at life from outside your own body… how do you connect yourself to that person you are observing and learn to make that smile a smile that carries substance, to this day I have no clue… there are quick fixes and trust me drugs make everything better. I was huge on cocaine it was like my own personal third voice and when it was all gone all that was left was that shell again. I had a huge eye opener and cried and almost died and watched my friends die. What is The Third Party Protocol. It’s so simple and NO its not being the third wheel…did I contradict myself, somewhat. The Third Party Protocol is understanding that you are more to others than you realise, they cant do it without you, you cant do it without them. Without them, without you, it turns into seperation from all angles. Take pride in being that guy/girl, friend. You are the front line and nothing can stop you because even if they can not do the same, you have the strength to handle yourslef on your own and with loved ones. Conflict breed conflict, doesn’t mean peace breeds peace either but the smallest gesture the smallet idea the random comment can open up someones mind so much that you could not just save lives you can change someone or even your own future. Words are dangerous but they are also the life blood of society. Do you really want to be alone or do you want to be that reliable person. Honestly I am the Protocol and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Let the Flame War Begin.

So He Finally did it The Coward

This is pretty dark this is about the time I tried to kill myself. Wait it was 5 attempts, as you can
see I’m not very good at it but it was an experience of seeing your dark side and embracing it...
it seems to easy and rational people tend to ignore the fact that it’s not giving up that taking
place. It’s a flurry of emotions that overwhelm you to the point that the world is an empty
hollow place made for the crazy people trust me, everyone who attempt suicide thinks long
and hard about this shit... hahaha actually not really, it because a game of attrition between
your body, mind and heart and the worst part is making the choice of which one you are
gonna follow. Everyone goes through different experiences which are rationally irrational, it all
makes sense as you take the pills or the blade or what ever you decide to do. That’s the worst
past because it's such a thought process it’s silly. There are only 3 outcomes and all of them
suck, I went through the mild coma phase that leads to a hangover that only varsity students
can understand, but multiply that by depression or ridiculous mania, you don’t choose which
one you get but seriously both suck, mania terms you into Rambo, self-destructive and no
concern for others and you don’t even notice it. Trust me that’s the quickest way to check
which friends are at your side. At that point generally the judgment come along, “how could
you be so selfish”, “you’re so weak I can’t deal with your drama”, they empty out faster than
students with a bottle of tequila. Worst part about that is that all your support has abandoned
you except a select few. The second effect is the vomiting and losing functionality of basic tasks,
seeing, speech, all the basic shit that comes with being a grown up turns into effort and things
you have to re-teach yourself overtime. The third and scariest one is the fear... yes it doesn’t
just happen and you go batshit insane and go into kill mode... Crysis3 style. The fear is ‘what
if I become a vegetable’ , how can you survive without basic functionality, this may sound like
step 2 but it’s not, imagine someone having someone helping you shit... oh and number 2 also
comes with the worst perk seizers, blackouts and memory loss. These happen randomly, you
have to be monitored till you are clinically diagnosed as stable.
I was in a psych ward for over 31 days... its 31 one days of hell, you are a zombie as they try
to figure out what meds work to keep you in check... trust me it’s a trial and error process
that leaves you drained all the time... you go through group therapy you see a psychologist a
psychiatrist, basically anyone who fixes brains for a living: I was blessed to have the 2 hottest
Occupational Therapists ever, hmmm maybe that’s what gave me a boost for life, knowing
beauty is something external, but the real beauty is the one you find in yourself (cheesy I
know). But seriously if you saw her guys you would break up with your chick and try your luck,
I believe she could create lesbians with a smile... maybe a bit over the top but damn she was a
I think I have strayed off the topic again. What eventually saved my life and a lot of people
I know is the writing of the suicide note. Everyone thinks that it’s basically your last will and
testament... Like hell it is, some people go through with it don’t get me wrong, the body is a
resilient bastard though more you try to punish it the more it tries to heal itself, even mentally.
The suicide note is the bravest thing I can imagine a person can write. A life cannot be returned,
imagine the pain that person was going through to take that away. I don’t condone and glorify
it in anyway. Life is scary, it’s a challenge, and it’s a mystery which you openly and brutally
attack. School, adolescence, adulthood, work, family, stress, pressure. It’s easy to say that
but to someone Bipolar suffering with depression or psychosis everyday is like arm wrestling
the Rock while calling him a skinny bitch. So let’s get back to the suicide note... So many of
my friends including myself have been saved by those good byes and sob stories and random
ranting about how difficult everything is actually have been materialized and given for, its
like a damn light flicks in you. You read your own thoughts which is the darkest thing I have
ever done read my own journal. I didn’t see the selfishness of my actions, I just wanted to do
the unthinkable but I also saw the words my heart and mind said to everyone I loved. It was
amazing to actually get to know yourself and your own capabilities. These disorders suck but
they can be beaten, you know it’s there you know it will happen but you can never preempt it,
you gotta ride that damn wave and hope there are no sharks in the water.
Not all of us are that lucky and usually the ones who go through with it don’t even write a note
they have made their minds that “today is the end”. I ran into some other people who were
jamming in a band my previous band opened for... the vocalist said out loud, he will not be
missed by anyone but his parents and the crowd cheered on. I was young then and I was on the
soft-core meds, basically the ones that just make you feel empty but not enough to allow you to
give you that kick goodbye. After my friend passed away I felt a lot of Rage and started blaming
myself how I could not have seen this coming. As I said earlier life is a challenge but there is no
cowardness in crying and fighting a pain that tears at your soul... How hard can that be, I have
attempted suicide and the worst thing about it is the thoughts, the pain of hurting your family
and friends, there is so much going on it overwhelms you even more, you may have a damaged
heart but that is the nail in the coffin, there is so much disappointment that people never
understand and think its weakness. I am gonna say it again I am not romanticizing suicide; I
sympathize with those who have tried and failed those who have succeeded, the families that
lost someone unique. There is only one of you (unless you are twins, then you got like a back
up kidney). The true cowards are those who forget and didn’t even realize the underlying pain,
yes the fake smile is there but if you know your friends and I must say it wasn’t religion, faith
and spirituality that saved my life, all those many attempt those many years ago, I was saved
by those who saw right through my bullshit fake smile and worked to make me, me again, a
cynical bastard with a love for whiskey and Playstation (I will say it again Xbox is silly). Don’t
ever see those people as cowards, the pain got the best of them... know your friends support
your friends, one day when your parents and family die... they may be all you have, that shit is
sacred. The cowards are those who disrespect their dead comrades, mourn, remember and let
that make you stronger. Visit the grave site, sounds stupid but talking to even a grave stone is
better than therapy because you know that guy would pull a smart ass joke.
Moral of the Story.
Focus, listen, help and alcohol does not solve everything. Body language and simple statements
can mean a lot. Remind them of their worth to your life. I was saved by music and my vocalist
and dare I say it a hateful bastard who was brutally honest. Approach with caution.
Jagermeister

The Silver Spoon Dilemma

Well this is my first post... probably gonna suck but so what.
As the title states, we live in a society of comfort and effort, its kind of a grey area whereby hard work reaps reward and passion becomes a thin vague stop in the ocean of ones complaints. I have a lot to be thankful for, my mother basically raised me, but i fell into that trap of... well fucked-up-dom.
I have always had my own set of morals and ethos, a deep down belief in certain things I struggled to believe in... one of those things is love and all the mysteries it holds. I wont lie the drug scene was a huge influence in my life... basically a buffer for all the depression (bipolar) -All Names Will Be Omitted so I don't have to pay anyone- I have lived a life of excess without having to spend a coin, I have always tried to succeed, hell my name means success, but back at the ranch I have only been able to find an excuse to hide stress and pain behind a smile -cop out- but its true, a few years ago I fell in love, a word I don't use lightly but somehow managed to mutter and open myself up, its was a painful, I was an open book to someone I promised I would follow around the world, I saved every last coin secretly to make that moment even more special, all for it to get taken away from me from someone better more successful and well rich. I'm on the border of 28 and have failed myself epically, the only thing I seem to be good at is playing guitar, behind an exterior soft and understanding and easy to advise others, I seem to make the dumb choices made by teenagers and varsity student. Well I see it now and I realise that I should have kicked myself in the ass the moment I unloaded my feelings to someone who would later destroy me and change my trust forever. That is partially my fault but then again it was someone I held dear in my life and called a true friend but as the saying goes... Fuck those who betray you. on the other hand I still had a belief in something i never believed in; Hope. Now I am a musician and we have a flair for the dramatic listen to any song from metal to pop its all selfish and borderline crazy. Kinda makes me feel normal. I keep a Journal, it keeps me sane and lets me bitch and moan... but thanks to the internet i can create a flame war where some 16 year old will probably tell me to man up. trust me maning up is harder than you think  once you lose your belief structure... yes structure. Back to the drug thing I was tripping Acid for the first time with friends completely awesome and amazing feeling... no doubt I will do it again, it just so happened in a controlled environment. That's when I realised all the dumb shit I have done and how much of my life I have wasted, not I am a good guitarist I've been told and to be honest I cant take compliments very well it doesn't gell with my stupid none paying and under achieving lifestyle but seriously I hide behind the music its the only thing that makes sense. Slowly I have seen the best of the best musicians fall apart and get lousy jobs but they can pay the bills, today I am selling my dream guitar just to make payments on my car. I must admit I am a spoilt brat, but somehow down to earth, I wouldn't have it any other way. But the silver spoon has hit me, I have been raised in a family where everyone helps everyone, but i kinda got the best of it... its not fair to actually say I have worked a career driven job succefully in my life but I have noticed that some people have had the same situations and made a killing out of it. when does the silver spoon end and the real life begins. I wouldn't be able to answer that question without calling bullshit on everythin I believe in. I seriously hate the rich and those who can control situations in negative ways. I've been on both sides of the fence where I have met the down to earth and the leeches and I'm sure most people think I am a leech, but to be honest I would take a bullet for those I love... but that love thing has become  a blurred line between trusting people and hating the shit out of friends I'd rather see in a noose (kinda Dark and Macbre) but to hell with them. To be honest I'm not quite sure what I am bitching about, is it the lack of achievements in my life that have destroyed everything I have built up or just hating myself. its weird I shouldn't feel so bad for the silver spoon kids, they deserve every aspect of their fruitful life... I think I'm just a jealous cunt who has had it all and lost it all on a constant binge and people to the point that i am at the bottom of the food chain. one thing that has happened though is my new found humble behaviour to my true friends I have lost a lot maybe everything, from my parents trust my faith and my utter assholeness that came with the territory that has made me who i am. I learnt something about myself through ranting and being a constant man bitch... I live to destroy, I am a Rage-Beast but only a few have seen that part of me... its not pretty but i can blame bipolar forever, one must take responsibility for their lives, and other betraying bastards must honestly burn and take with them all the hate I can possibly muster, actually that's not fair... I lost the battle but there is still a war to be fought and i should face it head on I need to open up and stop thinking the silver spoon some people have is taken from merit of those who worked had before them, I just missed the rat race because I want more... more than money more than glory, more than recognition... i want a world where i can make a difference, but there I go again is it just an empty promise like the many I have had.. or is it just a new dilemma, an excuse to not take risks, here is to the silver spoons and here is to the ones who came short in life... make it happen for yourself, cut the bullshit people from your life and try find your happiness. I found it in someone else and no one can make you happy other than yourself. The Silver Spoon is there for all to take, don't bullshit yourself, parents, family, everyone has felt shit in there lives but have been able to create! I want that spoon not for myself but for the little bastards I will one day have to pass on my ethos, ethics, morals and a life filled with love and the understanding that dad was a fuck up, doesn't mean he gave up. I will take that silver spoon and the problems it gives and hopefully create someone who better than me and better looking, or teach them how to play sports, lets not lie there is a lot of cash in that, read a book but better yet, be something that matters to someone else... that someone else is you, your personalities and the things that drive you. here is to all that feel they have failed,

We are all part of The Silver Spoon Dilemma, we want and we need but sometimes we cant tell the difference. learn more about yourself and make your passions worth while and if they can make you money better yet but if they make you smile and wake up to wonder and spiritual growth, then take that fucker by the horns and ride the wave.

Attack-Kat

Enjoy